Citing a little-known rule in the MLB handbook, Commissioner Rob Manfred has announced the Chicago Cubs will be allowed to employ slugger Kyle Schwarber as Jason Heyward’s personal designated hitter in 2017.
“Rule 142.2 part A clearly states that if any offensive player from a World Series-winning team has an average below .240 and also exhibits Gold-Glove caliber defense, he may, for the good of the team and the fans in general, be allowed a replacement hitter,” said Manfred. “It’s just one of those rules, you know — so specific, nobody ever heard of it before. Or saw it. But that’s only because they weren’t looking!”
Cubs fan Todd Benson was overjoyed at the news.
“As a baseball purist, I’ve always hated the DH. But this rule makes sense, for the good of the game, you know?” he said. “Plus, Schwarber Smash!”
Critics of the rule argue it will give the Cubs an unfair advantage.
“Of course you want both Schwarber’s bat and Heyward’s glove, but until evolution creates that super-player, or gives Mike Trout a damn Gold Glove already, this should not be allowed,” said a rival NL exec. “What’s next? Scheduling games every four days so the Dodgers can just pitch Clayton Kershaw every damn start?”