‘Ending the lockout’ doesn’t make Gary Bettman’s list of New Year’s resolutions
on Dec 27, 2012
The NHL lockout may be important to players, fans and businesses that count on hockey for seasonal revenue, but NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman doesn’t seem too concerned, as ending the stalemate didn’t even make his list of New Year’s resolutions for 2013.
“Oh, I plan to be a lot more diligent with the Rogaine,” said Bettman, who suffers from male pattern baldness. “I also want to spend more time watching basketball, hope to lose 10 pounds and no matter what happens — I will nap at least five hours a day in 2013.”
When asked why shepherding a new deal between owners and players wasn’t atop his list of resolutions, Bettman snorted.
“Lockout, lockout, lockout!” he yelled. “I have a life outside of hockey, you know! That’s why I’ve resolved to spend more time traveling. No cellphone. No laptop. Just me and the rolling hills of Southern France.”
Other resolutions include finishing his autobiography, ‘You Bet Your Bettman!,’ and making the NHL player discipline system even more arbitrary and nonsensical.