Badgers

Wisconsin, Northwestern, Michigan, Michigan State and Penn State are all looking for new homes Saturday evening after the Big Ten announced it was dropping the five schools for their part in the conference getting swept in its New Year's Day bowl games.

"A lot of people assumed we'd do something that made sense like split the teams up by geography or name them after our most famous alums, but why take the logical route?" said commissioner Jim Delany. "And there's no way we're changing it, no matter how stupid even our most die-hard supporters believe it to be."

Intoxicated by the success of his favorite baseball team and the 15 Miller Lites he consumed while watching them sweep the Cubs this weekend, Wisconsinite Andy Maliszewski made the bold claim Sunday afternoon that Midwestern state was the center of the sports universe at that very moment.

Government officials in Wisconsin Monday morning proudly announced their women's shelters were "virtually empty" after the state experienced perhaps its best sports weekend of all time.

"The free agent market for QBs next year is going to be tough," said Bielema. "We've got to maintain our tradition of bringing in standout athletes who for all intents and purposes are finished with their collegiate experience but for whatever reason have a season of eligibility and can play anywhere."

"Yes, Montee Ball's 38 touchdowns this season is very impressive," said ESPN's Kirk Herbstreit. "But Ball had nearly 300 touches this season. That's 240 times he didn't score. People need to remember that."

In response to a very boring year and Northwestern being relevant for the Rose Bowl, Big Ten Football has announced a name change for their Leaders and Legends Divisions: the Lousy and Lackluster Divisions.