Illinois

A day after shouting a homophobic slur at a fan in Miami, Bulls big man Joakim Noah apologized and said he feels "totally retarded" for using the unacceptable slang.

Instead of elephants and people being shot out of a cannon, the main draw at this year’s Chicago Cubs Circus will be an hourlong highlight reel of the Cubs' best bloopers from the previous season set to clown music and projected onto a giant IMAX screen.

“It’s more likely that Aramis Ramirez will steal 10 bases this year,” said ESPN Radio’s Mike Golic. “I also think we could see Reed Johnson win the MVP award or Soriano hustle out a grounder before the Cubs and Red Sox square off for a title.”

“People say it eats left fielders alive,” said Soriano, still clutching the teddy bear he sleeps with each night. “Even Senior Tickles can’t protect me from the ‘Monstruo Verde.’ It’s a good thing I sleep with my helmet on or he would have eaten my cabeza.”

“I’m not sure if Chico’s Bail Bonds is a real company, but I’m not one to pass up a potential new revenue source,” said Ricketts. “I am also contemplating changing our team colors from red and blue to yellow and white with ‘Bad News’ stitched across the front. This is awful!”

"While I most certainly can empathize with his frustration, I find Mr. Quade's harangue neither professional nor appropriate," Guillen told reporters in the Sox clubhouse. "Why must that fellow demean himself and our grand pastime so with his foul, abusive vitriol? Yes, I am distressed. Distressed and perplexed."

LeBron James took over down the stretch Wednesday night as the Heat won Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals 85-75 over Chicago, making life once again dangerously close to being devoid of any meaning whatsoever.