Every year, the Chicago Bulls leave on a two-week road trip to make room in the United Center for the circus to come to town. Rose and Boozer give way to Barnum and Bailey so they can entertain the area’s children with animals, clowns, and high-wire acts. But after seeing what a train wreck the Cubs season has become, the people in charge have decided watching the Cubs mess up over and over again would be much more entertaining, and have decided to replace the circus next year with Chicago Cubs baseball.

Instead of elephants and people being shot out of a cannon, the main draw at this year’s Chicago Cubs Circus will be an hourlong highlight reel of the Cubs’ best bloopers from the previous season set to clown music and projected onto a giant IMAX screen. If the first month and a half of the baseball season is any indication, the “circus” next year promises to be even greater than the “greatest show on earth.”

“We’ve been so bad this year, it’s become a circus in itself,” said Tom Ricketts, who’s pondering dressing up as a clown for the big event. “We’re not pulling in the revenue by selling baseball tickets, so maybe we can make back some of that money that Jim Hendry wasted on Soriano by selling tickets to the very first Cubs Circus.”

One of the most talked about attractions will be a caged Carlos Zambrano, made even angrier through starvation and a forced viewing of clips where his defense commits errors, causing unearned runs and early exits from the games he pitched. After he can take no more, he’ll be led out into the middle of the stadium, where Mike Quade will try to tame him with a whip.

Another spectacle that attendees are anxiously awaiting is the tight rope, where Alfonso Soriano, who has enough trouble staying on his feet in the outfield, will try to balance his way across an inch of rope while trying to avoid a cast of crazy characters pitching sliders at him. Also don’t forget about Aramis Ramirez, who will play a magician that makes his home run total disappear into nothing.

Although you will probably have seen a lot of what will go on if you watch the games this season, the Chicago Cubs Circus will be the first of its kind; and much like the Cubs Convention, Major League Baseball is hoping teams like the Mariners, Pirates, and Astros will all follow in its footsteps.

By Michael Kloempken

Michael Kloempken