Chicago

"Back in the day it was Sammy versus Big Frank or even Barrett versus A.J.," said Cubs fan Tim Bland. "Now it's Pena versus Paulie or Danks versus Garza. Talk about a yawn fest!"

"At such a tender age, Rory plays the sort of golf that energizes our fan base like no one else since Tiger Woods," said PGA Director Tim Finchem. "Unfortunately Rory also shares Woods' penchant for off-the-course excesses. We've got to figure out a way to cover this up."

“I was watching the Sandlot on TBS the other day and was just amazed at what those shoes did for Benny 'the Jet' Rodriguez,” said Quade, sporting a pair of P.F. Flyers of his own. “It would take the lightest pair of shoes in the world and a 10-second head start to get Aramis to steal a base, but maybe these could help the rest of us out a bit."

Hoping to eke out a late-inning insurance run in a tight game, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen recently opted to send in a glacier to run for slow-footed slugger Paul Konerko, who had knocked a single to left.

A few minutes after pretending to be extremely happy about the Cubs jersey you gave him for Father’s Day, your dad wondered aloud if you had the receipt “just in case it doesn’t fit, that’s all.”

"Holy cow! Can you believe that?" Dempster asked in his Harry Caray voice after walking Alex Rodriguez to load the bases in the first. "Imagine if I threw that last pitch on the moon. Maybe it wouldn't have been a foot and a half out of the strike zone."

After being bumped from the starting rotation, James Russell is ready for other ways to convince Cubs fans that he is reliable as well as knowledgeable about locally-crafted pilsners.