The Cubs are at the bottom of the league in a majority of statistics this year, and stealing bases is no different. Even though it is rare that the Cubs find themselves in a position to steal a base, manager Mike Quade still would like to see more of it. His first order of business to get his team moving will be to fit the entire roster with P.F. Flyers.

“I was watching the Sandlot on TBS the other day and was just amazed at what those shoes did for Benny ‘the Jet’ Rodriguez,” said Quade, sporting a pair of P.F. Flyers of his own. “It would take the lightest pair of shoes in the world and a 10-second head start to get Aramis to steal a base, but maybe these could help the rest of us out a bit.”

Besides fitting the entire team with their own pair of P.F. Flyers, Quade has started simulating certain parts of the movie to help the team train and bond. He’s gone as far as letting a ravenous dog chase the players all over Wrigley Field, on the field and in the stands, and has even organized a team trip to the local pool, where he had the young-looking rookie, Tony Campana, fake drown in order to score with the lifeguard. The Cubs are now banned from that pool for life.

His second order of business is to educate his team on what it actually means to steal a base. Because the Cubs don’t have the highest baseball I.Q. as a team, many of the players have resorted to stealing bases – literally.

“I caught a few of the guys walking out of the clubhouse after a game with a base under their arms,” said Quade, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’ve been involved in baseball for 30 years and thought I’d seen everything, but this Cubs team never fails to surprise me. Do you see what I have to work with here?”

By Michael Kloempken. Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Michael Kloempken