Hoping to eke out a late-inning insurance run in a tight game, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen recently opted to send in a glacier to run for slow-footed slugger Paul Konerko, who had knocked a single to left.

“The glacier moves at about 90 feet per week, which is slightly faster than Paulie,” said Guillen. “That dude is slow as [expletive deleted]. Actually, I think [expletive deleted] moves faster than him, too.”

While many fans and broadcasters have joked that Konerko runs at a “glacial place,” the Sox slugger was surprised to learn he literally moves slower than a large hunk of melting ice.

“Well, at least I have more personality than the glacier,” said Konerko, before he was told teammates nicknamed the glacier ‘Bergy’ and have gone drinking with it each of the last three nights. “Wait, what? The guys said they were staying in last night!”

Heckler George