Chicago

Not to be outdone by Cubs fans, the Wrigley Field Seagulls have started texting at the game.

In a bold move aimed at picking off North Side fans, the White Sox have dropped the “We’re All In” slogan and replaced it with a more aggressive “Not As Bad As The Cubs™” mantra.

Not only will the stands at Arizona’s Chase Field be filled to capacity this Tuesday, but so will the dugouts. Bud Selig announced today that every active player in baseball is on call for the Midsummer Classic.

“The U.S. Defense Department contractor that has secretly been creating all my replacement parts and updated hitting software was having some slight issues with the hydraulic valves in the replacement wrist,” Pujols said. “Had everything gone according to plan, I would have been back much sooner so I apologize to all Cardinals fans and fans of teams hoping to sign me as a free agent next season. I’m looking at you Cubs. Seriously, call me and offer me $156 million over 10 years.”

The right thing to do when quitting a column is to write a fifteen-minute resignation piece thanking your readers and saying goodbye in a hail of fireworks. You can all relax because I am not quitting. I just take long breaks between columns unless I feel like writing them a mere two months apart.

"Apparently there's a new strikeout competition and they want me to be a part of it," said Dunn. "I'm not real sure how it works, but just to be picked to participate in the All-Star weekend is a real honor."

While Cubs shortstop Starlin Castro has been celebrating being named a reserve on the N.L. All-Star team, his teammates have been unable to bring themselves to inform the budding young star that every team has to have a representative in the Midsummer Classic, and that his selection only means that he is the best player on one of the worst teams in baseball.