Chicago

The Cubs surprised the sports world today, signing 35-year-old DH Travis Hafner to a 10-year, $125 million contract. The oft-injured former Cleveland Indian hasn't played more than 150 games in a season since 2007, but team president Theo Epstein said he finally couldn't resist the urge to frivolously spend his club's money on an aging veteran who does nothing to improve the team.

“Consider the superhuman effort it would take to actually overcome the inevitable six-goal barrage. Add to that the endless forechecking, skilled defense and two hot goalies,” said a breathless league executive. “We wanted to make such an amazing victory special. That is, if it ever actually happens.”

"Man, this place is kind of a sausage fest," said Grace, ever the ladies man. "Where are all the chicks at? Is there like a sports bar in here or something?"

See Roberto Luongo and the Sedin brothers in all their crying, diving glory with these fun animated GIFs.

"It worked for me!" said Cavallari, former star of the MTV reality show The Hills. "I mean one day I'm just a girl involved in a sordid love triangle on a tasteless TV show, and now I'm married to a professional football player!"

Monday starts things off in no-man's-land, even for Canada, Edmonton, followed by Tuesday's doubleheader at 3 pm and 7 pm against Winnipeg then Vancouver. From there, they travel a total of 21,000 miles in route to five games over the next four days, including a few morning tilts.

"We love what the Blackhawks are doing," said former running back Larry Csonka, who is a spokesman for the only Super Bowl-era team to finish a full season undefeated. "We will recognize their accomplishment with one rule--we are not going to count any more games against Columbus."