Chicago

"Every year we look for guys who fit the mold of undersized, with limited mobility and a histories of injuries. It's worked with Chris Williams, Frank Omiyale, J'Marcus Webb, Marc Colombo, Josh Beekman, Gabe Carimi and the other 135 lineman we have had this decade," said a very defensive Emery.

"I might be a lot of things," said Laurenzi in a recent interview. "I collect urine samples for a living. I hate Jewish people. But under no circumstances can anyone get away with calling me a Cubs fan."

The Kim DeJesus era has come to an untimely end as her marginally talented husband David was dealt to the Nationals Monday afternoon.

"I really thought we had a chance to go the distance this season," said manager Dale Sveum, whose 52-68 Cubs are currently tied for last in the NL Central. "Turns out you can't win a World Series with a handful of overpaid, burned-out veterans and no-name rookies with no chance of long-term success at the big league level."

“I can’t believe the Predators are trying to make more money when a hot team with a ton of traveling fans comes to town,” said Bill Wakowski, a Hawks fan from Naperville. “What do they think they’re doing, running a business or something?"

After acquiring prospects Avisail Garcia from the Tigers and Leury Garcia from Texas, White Sox GM Rick Hahn said by the start of the 2015 season the team intends to field a starting nine all with the surname of Garcia.

“Since the renovation was passed, all I’ve been doing is trying to figure out ways to stick my nose in places where it’s not wanted, which is, of course, my specialty,” Tunney told a community newspaper.