Some of the oldest traditions in Bears history are great linebacker and tailback play, having an annual new offensive coordinator and signing first round offensive lineman who can’t play professional let alone high school level football. These traditions are cherished and posted across Halas Hall, but many Bears executives are very upset with GM Phil Emery who seems to have found players who can prevent a sack for an entire offensive series.

“Every year we look for guys who fit the mold of undersized, with limited mobility and a histories of injuries. It’s worked with Chris Williams, Frank Omiyale, J’Marcus Webb, Marc Colombo, Josh Beekman, Gabe Carimi and the other 135 lineman we have had this decade,” said a very defensive Emery. “Luckily, we still have Webb and Eben Britton to become the human turnstiles.”

The panic in Halas Hall has all stemmed from what is being called “good blocking” in last week’s preseason win over the Chargers after first-round draft pick Kyle Long was graded by Pro Football Focus with a plus-8.0 and was repeatedly getting to the next level and mowing over linebackers and secondary players. Plus Jordan Mills didn’t allow a sack in his play at right tackle, which is the first time since 1985 that a Bears player didn’t allow a sack from that side for an entire game.

“I keep telling these guys that they are doing it all wrong,” said Bears Webb. “If you’re going to lock onto a defender and let Jay get the ball off, at least jump offsides three times in an offensive series. Pssh, rookies.”

Brew Dreesus