Cubs

Cubs outfielder Tony Campana isn't your typical baseball player. He's so amazingly tiny he can fit inside a normal player's glove!

"I WOO! am getting WOO! too old for this WOO!" said Wickers, who turned 70 last fall. "I WOO! need to settle down WOO!, get a full-time job WOO! and start to prepare for retirement WOO! WOO!"

The Cubs will open the season with a full roster, much to the dismay of Theo Epstein after his plan to ditch Marlon Byrd in the Arizona desert last weekend was thwarted when the outfielder hitchhiked back to Chicago in time for Thursday's game against the Nationals.

"Look, I'm a realist. I can't just pretend I'm going to keep this svelte physique all season long while I'm downing 5-6 hot dogs and a dozen ice creams per game," he said. "Thanks to this elastic waistband and poly-denim fabric, I can gorge all I want!"

“I’m not an optimist,” he said. “I’m a realist. If the Cubs didn’t believe that this team could win it all, they wouldn’t put them on the field. And I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way. They’ve already sold two million tickets! Would two million people really shell out $100 a piece if they didn’t think the team had a chance?”

Late Wednesday night, DirecTV announced their squabble with the Tribune Company had ended, subjecting millions of subscribers to the horror of WGN broadcasts of Cubs games this season. Backlash ensued as angry parents and concerned sports fans threatened to end their DirecTV subscriptions immediately.

Back in 2006 we released The Heckler's official Cubs song "There'll Always Be Next Year." It's been seven years, but as you listen to the song, you'll wonder what exactly has changed since then. Enjoy!