Fighting Illini

Wisconsin, Northwestern, Michigan, Michigan State and Penn State are all looking for new homes Saturday evening after the Big Ten announced it was dropping the five schools for their part in the conference getting swept in its New Year's Day bowl games.

Congratulations to the Indiana Hoosiers for their apparent NCAA championship victory over the down-and-out Fighting Illini at Assembly Hall last night.

"A lot of people assumed we'd do something that made sense like split the teams up by geography or name them after our most famous alums, but why take the logical route?" said commissioner Jim Delany. "And there's no way we're changing it, no matter how stupid even our most die-hard supporters believe it to be."

Following Illinois’ 38-35 victory over Northwestern Saturday, ESPN play-by-play broadcaster Beth Mowins was given praise by many viewers for her call of the game. “It was brutal,” said Illini fan Gary Wendell. “She was as bad at calling the game as most of the men at ESPN.”

"Let's face it," Weber said. "I haven't brought in a decent basketball player in six years. People wonder why I coach with a surprised look on my face--I've always been surprised that I was still coaching."

The release said: "Coach Groce's name is pronounced 'gross,' as in the feeling fans had watching our department attempt to fill this position over the past month."

"We've just started teaching the girls about rebounding," said Farlucci. "Plus Shaka Smart got $3 million. What am I, chopped liver?"