Philadelphia

"I realize what a mistake it was to kill all those people," Champ barked. "But c'mon, that was like five years ago! I'm a totally different dog now and I want my pups to experience the joy of having a human owner. Just because I made a small mistake by viciously abusing and murdering some humans, doesn't mean my puppies should pay the price."

Team names are fun, but they don't always accurately reflect a franchise's players and fans. Here at The Heckler, we've created a few alternate names and logos that are more descriptive of the teams they represent.

After a putrid loss against the Milwaukee Brewers in which they only collected two hits, the New York Mets forgot to show up for their regularly-scheduled home game against the Phillies on Monday night, citing that "we thought the season ended already."

"I know I've done some bad things to dogs in the past," Vick said. "But I just can't get enough of the little guy's unconditional love. Whenever I fill up my plate for dinner, he gets under my legs and I trip and fumble my food and he gobbles it right up."

"Well, I had to throw Philly a bone and give them a game in prime time they could win," he said. "Plus it gives us a new game to market. With any luck, the 2012 Irrelevance Bowl will be at least twice as popular as the 2012 Pro Bowl."

As part of the contract, the Cubs are responsible for all shipping costs, whereas the Phillies will have the task of putting the pieces back together in their preferred manner.

During the team's meeting with Reid today, they brought in 10 racks of ribs from Gates BBQ, an entire pig roast from Three Little Pigs BBQ, eight pounds of brisket from the Golden Ox, and a trough full of pulled pork from Arthur Bryant's Barbecue.