After 16 days without sports, ESPN and their staff have finally reached a breaking point. 

“It’s no secret that we at ESPN love to rank stuff,” said NBA analyst Doris Burke. “But we got pretty desperate. We already ranked the best pizza toppings when you’re watching a Trailblazers game, and the best NFL stadiums to watch an NBA game in and so finally we turned on each other.”

“I was okay with it at first,” said ESPN personality Stephen A. Smith. “But then Buster Olney had the audacity, the unmitigated gaul to rank me behind Trey Wingo. Blasphemous!”

NHL analyst Barry Melrose summed up the situation by saying, “It’s like in those end of world movies when the group of people finally realize they don’t have any food left so they have to resort to eating somebody in the group. There has been no sports for weeks now. We had no choice but to look to our left and look to our right and start eating.”