While sports across the world have postponed or suspended operations during the coronavirus pandemic, FIFA has made it clear there would be no suspension of bribes or such during the unprecedented spread of the COVID-19 virus.

“We didn’t stop taking bribes during COVIDs 1-18, why the hell would we stop now?” FIFA President Gianni Infantino prattled off in a hastily put together press conference at the Burger King outside his office. “There are plenty of World Cups and tournaments coming up, we’re open for business. We take third party out of state checks signed in crayon, sacks of cash in burlap sacks, gold bars, anything except Bitcoin. Like everyone else, we don’t know what cryptocurrency really is.”

U.S. President Donald Trump praised the “tremendous FIFA for being so outstanding and not giving in to this fake Chinese virus.”

Patrick Olson