Iona College made a deal with the devil this weekend, hiring Rick Pitino as its new head men’s basketball coach. As a result, the school had been put on probation by the NCAA through 2030.

It was learned that within hours of his hire, Pitino hosted a team meet-and-greet complete with strippers and prostitutes at the local Elks Lodge, had sex with a 50-year-old Gaels groupie in the bathroom, and distributed $100 bills to players like he was giving away candy.

“With the whole world distracted by the Coronavirus, we figured we could slip Rick in through the back door, make the hire, and nobody would notice,” said Iona Director of Athletics Matthew Glovaski. “I guess we underestimated that the NCAA has nothing to do right now.”

While the Gaels had made the NCAA Tournament four consecutive years, early first round exits each time created a sense of urgency to hire a coach to help take the program to the next level.

“We were hoping the become the next big mid-major, like a Butler or Gonzaga,” said Glovaski. “Maybe John Calipari will still be alive and available when we come off probation in 10 years.”

Jeremy Barewin