Concerned about an aging fan base and dwindling interest among Millennials, Major League Baseball today announced it has reached an agreement with its players union to bring back steroids effective immediately.
“We kept tinkering with ways to improve the pace of play,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, “and then it dawned on me: People don’t care if there’s a three-batter minimum for relievers or a universal DH. What they really want is several tape-measure homers every game from .220 hitters who look like linebackers.”
Manfred announced that steroids will now be mandatory for all players, especially for “little skinny guys who think simply getting on base is enough.”
Some feel the new rules stop short.
“Why stop there?” asked MLBPA Executive Director Tony Clark. “We’re going to push the league to bring back all sorts of drugs: cocaine and amphetamines especially. Chewing tobacco too. Boy did I love all that stuff when I used to play.”
Commissioner Emeritus and MLB hall of famer Bud Selig concurred.
“Steroids are what saved the game back in my day,” said Selig, who earned more than $18 million a year after overseeing baseball’s “Steroid Era” and is still drawing a $6 million annual salary in retirement. “And I think steroids might be what saves the game now.”
Added Selig: “My motto has always been: Just hit it farther. Much, much farther.”