The entertainment world was abuzz today amidst reports that actors Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were set to both star-in as well as direct ‘The Bob Kraft Innocence Project.’ The feature length ‘30 for 30’ documentary which both Damon and Affleck are claiming is a totally unbiased look at “the freaking witch hunt against the most awesomest wicked pissah’good owner of a team evah” is set to be released in time for Cannes film festival consideration because Matt and Ben have already RSVP’d to all the good parties.
In the documentary, Matt Damon will be playing the role of young Bob Kraft, and old Bob Kraft with makeup just so he can get two different Oscar nomination. Damon will also be writing and re-writing the entire script, and doing all of the casting and directing. Meanwhile, his good friend Ben Affleck, star of noted films Reindeer Games, Paycheck and Phantoms will also somehow find a way to associate himself with yet another Matt Damon project.
The intro to the 30 for 30 documentary biopic will be narrated by a hologram version of a shirtless Tom Brady eating some wierd meal that doesn’t involve nightshades or strawberries, and begins as follows:
What if I told you that the best freaking’ guy who ran the freakin’ Patriots evah’ was accused of a crime where he was totally f#@**ng innocent? What if I told you that some smaaht’ kids from Hahvaad could prove that Bobby Kraft did absolutely nothing wrong at the Orchid Massage Day Spa and it was all just a police department and the FBI and the ATF and the Port police and the human trafficking sex crimes divisions who went rogue. . . and that Roger Goodell was a complete and total mother-F#$!#$ing A*#hole?’
In the climactic scene to the movie, a defiant Bob Kraft walks up to the window of Roger Goodell’s office at NFL headquarters and bangs his fist on the glass, asking Roger Goodell:
“Do you like apples?”
When Goodell responds “Yeah, I like apples,” Kraft responds with the final climactic line of the film:
“Well I got six Superbowl Rings and I’m worth a freaking billion dollahs. How you like ‘dem apples!”