It’s been one heck of a run. A fairy tale that couldn’t have been scripted any better. After 26 years and 26 World Series titles, Henry Rowengartner is saying that 2019 will be his last season in the big leagues.
It all started in 1993 when a young kid in junior high who couldn’t make a play from right field for his Little League team threw a baseball all the way from center field into the catcher’s glove, despite being surrounded by drunken fans who were making out, fighting with each other, slamming Old Styles, vomiting in the urinals, smoking cigarettes, getting tasered, and throwing trash at a 5-year-old Cardinals fan who was at his first-ever baseball game with his parents. The rest is, as they say, history.
Rowengartner went on to lead the Cubs to a World Series in his rookie year and every year since then, giving Cubs fans such unprecedented success that quite frankly has left them spoiled. Now, it’s time for this chapter to close and for Rowengartner to see if he can deliver one more Game 7 come-from-behind 3-2 victory while notching the game winning RBI (along with every other RBI) for his team despite being a pitcher who throws 104 mph on every pitch for all nine innings, except for when he uses the underhanded “granny toss” that clocks in at a measly 10 miles per hour and still works 25 years later.
When asked about his impending retirement, the 38-year-old Rowengartner informed the media he plans to spend more time with his friends on the old pontoon boat, finally ask a girl to prom, and hopefully get back all of his $500 million in salary and endorsements that was stolen by his mom’s evil ex-boyfriend Jack Bradfield. As of press time, Bradfield was unavailable for comment and Rowengartner’s smokin’ hot mom Mary had broken up with 12-time World Series winner Chet Rocket Steadman and she was now dating the Cubs bullpen catcher.