Citing fears of a career-ending injury, Chicago Bears head coach Matt Nagy announced today his decision to rest former top draft choice Mitch Trubisky until the quarterback formally retires in the year 2033.
“Mitch will continue to take 250-300 snaps each week in practice for the next 15 seasons,” said Nagy, the 16th head coach in Bears’ franchise history, and first to treat players differently from disposable cattle. “But as far as risking serous injury to our #1 guy in a meaningless regular season or postseason game, well, we’re just not going to take any unnecessary risks.”
The decision to gently pamper Trubisky for the remainder of his career fits into Nagy’s larger goal, which is to reduce the team’s spiraling health care costs and paid sick days. “Virginia McCaskey told me flat out, ‘Matt, forget the Super Bowl, get these god-damned medical expenses under control.'”
To emphasize his commitment to not playing first stringers under any circumstances, Nagy had rookie linebacker Roquan Smith and his tight left hamstring placed into a state of suspended cryogenic animation through the 2050 season.
With Trubisky unavailable for active duty, the Bears said they will rely on a mash-up starting quarterback composed of body parts from former team signal callers, including Cade McNown’s brain, Doug Flutie’s height, Bobby Douglas’ arm, Jim McMahon’s liver, and Jay Cutler’s heart.
Trubisky did not immediately respond to requests for comment, as the team is trying to save his vocal chords for sideline cheering.