This weekend, Ian Michaels of Northbrook decided to use his tremendous gift of human sight, which had been developed via evolution over the course of millions of years, to watch the Bears play the Kansas City Chiefs in preseason football.

“Wow, it was so much fun watching seventh-round pick Javon Wims torch the Chiefs secondary! It’s nice to know he’s developing a strong rapport with Chase Daniel and Tyler Bray,” said the giddy Michaels, who was clearly unaware that the intricate series of rods and cones in his eyes, specifically used to transmit light and color into electrical signals to be processed by the brain, could also be used to enjoy sunsets, walks through the forest, and even the occasional rainbow.

At press time, Michaels was also squandering the intellectual gifts of his human cerebral cortex by poring over the possible combination of players that could comprise the third string of the defensive line.

By Mitchell Trachtenberg