The NFL pushed the boundaries of its unbridled patriotism today, passing a rule that forces everyone within a 10-mile radius of an NFL and fans watching from home to stand for the National Anthem.

“We had a rough season last year,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “There were many reasons for that, my weak leadership among them, but no reason was more apparent than a handful of our players occasionally kneeling during the National Anthem.”

To combat that, Goodell said the league was “getting tough” on the issue.

“No longer will we accept individual silent forms of protest from our players,” said Goodell. “We also won’t accept it from anyone in or near the stadium or even fans watching from home either.”

Goodell said it might be tough to enforce the rule, particular for those watching the game from home, but he was confident in

“We’ve got our ways,” said Goodell. “If you don’t think I have the ability to negatively impact someone’s life, just ask that hippie Colin Kaepernick how he’s enjoying bagging groceries at Whole Foods.”