The Loyola Ramblers, a true Cinderella story and the most relevant Chicago-based basketball team since Dennis Rodman became the voice of reason for North Korea, will be without their star player, Sister Jean, for the Final Four after being declared academically ineligible.

Sister Jean, who has single-handedly ended political bipartisanship by bringing every American together over their love for her, will have to sit out Saturday’s game against Michigan after it was discovered that she failed a math course back in the 40s.

“Loyola shouldn’t even be allowed to play this game,” said Sister Jean’s newfound arch nemesis, Jalen Rose’s 100-year-old grandma. “Sister Jean has more academic infractions than a Roy Williams-led North Carolina team, and they should be disqualified.”

Although Sister Jean won’t be on the sidelines to provide her divine intervention, the Rambler’s Gatorade will be replaced with holy water to give them the spiritual push they need in her absence.

Shingo TaCatsu