Free agent Jake Arrieta today said he doesn’t want to re-sign with the Cubs since he already missed the 2018 Cubs Convention, which is his favorite time of the year to be on the team.

“The joy of traveling to Chicago during the middle of winter when the temperatures are well below freezing, only to be mobbed by a bunch of close-talking, chubby Cubs fans in sweat pants with nacho cheese on their faces is just the best,” said Arrieta. “A lot of those fans love to show off by proving to me that they know my stats better than I do. That never gets old. Trust me.

“Since I already missed that for this year, I don’t really see a point in returning to the Cubs.”

Arrieta said he’s also ruled out the Milwaukee Brewers since the annual Polka Expo 2018 has already occurred.

“I’ve heard it’s a real blast to hang out with a bunch of even chubbier close-talking Midwesterners who’ve been drinking German beer all day and sweating like crazy from getting their hardest workout of the year during a five-minute polka dance,” said Arrieta. “What’s the point of being in Wisconsin if you can’t be a part of something so magical?”