Cubs President Theo Epstein was working the phones just minutes after his team fell a game below .500 in the young season.

“It’s a fire sale. Everything must go,” said Epstein, while on a phone call with another team’s GM. “Rizzo for three 17-year-old prospects? Done! Bryant for a No. 5 starter and a cooler mascot than ours? Send me the paperwork!”

To an outside, Epstein’s actions might seem rash. To him, it was logical.

“I got where I am but being ahead of the curve,” said Epstein while trying to trade manager Joe Maddon to a nearby bakery for a dozen jelly doughnuts. “Clearly with this slow start our dynasty is coming to an end, so it’s time to tear it all down and start over. We had a nice run.”