Count Tom Brady as another statistic in America’s war on joblessness. The quarterback of the New England Patriots will begin serving a 4-game suspension this month for his role in Deflategate and that means one thing — it’s time to file for unemployment.

Brady, who along with 8.3 million other Americans is currently out of work, will be requesting unemployment benefits to help support his family while he is suspended.

For Brady, there were two options to file for unemployment. He could have asked his wife, supermodel and media mogul Gisele Bundchen to borrow her chauffeur and give Brady a ride to the unemployment office. However, Brady chose instead to fill out the online unemployment questionnaire. We at recently obtained his answers.


Social Security Number: Lost when my cell phone was damaged
Date of birth (month, day, year): 08/03/1977 — I’m a Leo Baby!!!
Whether you have filed an unemployment claim during the past 12 months: Almost a year ago… but I got over on you Goodell didn’t I buddy!!!
The names and addresses of all employers you have worked for during the past 15 months, and the dates you worked for each employer: New England Patriots…America’s Team (only when I’m the QB)
The reason why you are no longer working or why your hours have been reduced: Because clearly my deflating of footballs is a bigger threat to the NFL than domestic violence, spousal abuse and performance enhancing drugs
Last day of employment: September 1st against the Giants where yours truly threw a touchdown. Screw you Eli.
The names, dates of birth, and Social Security Numbers of any dependent children that you plan to claim as a dependent: Gisele and Bridget have that.
Bank account number, and the routing or transit number of your bank (if you would like to receive your payment by direct deposit): If I didn’t give you my cell phone do you really think I’d hand that information over to you? Just leave the cash with the Pats Ballboy. He knows how to get ahold of me.


This issue has also become something of a political hot potato.

GOP presidential candidate and noted Tom Brady BFF Donald Trump pointed out that if a foreigner like Jimmy Garoppolo could come into New England illegally from the Eastern Bloc of Illinois and take Tom Brady’s job, then it could happen to you as well.

Meanwhile, Democratic presidential hopeful and fellow Blackberry smasher Hillary Clinton reminded voters that if we had just added greater entitlement benefits into Brady’s original salary, he wouldn’t have needed to inflate those footballs in the first place and he never would have turned to a life of crime.