Behind closed doors, Cubs brass are lamenting Jake Arrieta’s decision to appear naked in ESPN the Magazine’s Body Issue, and are bracing for the fallout.
A confidential source close to the situation reported the latest. “Although [Cubs general manager Jed] Hoyer said he was fine with Arrieta displaying his work ethic for the world to see, he firmly believes in the Body Issue Jinx.” Long feared and oftentimes ignored, the Body Issue Jinx has brought performance issues and bad luck to athletes who appear in the issue.
After Arrieta’s uncharacteristically unimpressive outing against the Cardinals yesterday, Hoyer was allegedly heard rattling off tales of jinxed Body Issue athletes.
“Look at Serena Williams,” Hoyer allegedly said. “She lost that U.S. Open match and got suspended for threatening to kill the line-judge. Adrian Peterson missed the single season all-time rushing record and then got arrested for child abuse. James Blake had to retire young and then got mugged by that New York City undercover cop. And Michael Phelps lost that one gold medal that one time, and went out driving drunk after smoking that bong. This is no damn good. Arrieta is jinxed. I have to reverse it.”
Hoyer was reportedly last seen putting 108 layers of clothes on Arrieta, scheduling a photo shoot with Field & Stream, and inviting a billy goat to Wrigley.