Citing a need to keep Cubs Nation happy, Theo Epstein recently stunned the baseball world — though nobody in Wrigleyville — when he landed three big free agents on the same day.

“A lot of people told us we had to pick up Zack Greinke. Others said David Price or Johnny Cueto. At the end of the day, we felt it made sense to just go ahead and get all three, like many of our fans on the Internet suggested,” said Epstein. “We also went ahead and added Jordan Zimmerman to shore up the bullpen.”

Despite shelling out $465 million on the pitching quartet, Epstein said the team wasn’t necessarily done dealing.

“Ask any fan and they’ll tell you we have all the money in the world,” said Epstein. “Plus, signing stars is so easy because other teams typically don’t get involved in the bidding, and we know there will always be money left over to lock in our current players when their contracts are up.”