Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

1 – Oakland Raiders
Here we go! The Boys of Black smack the Ravens 37-33 with what will go down in history as “The Drive II” (9 plays/80 yards in final 1:44). Derek “Two Minutes to End Zone” Carr connects with “Sweet” Seth Roberts for the go-ahead TD with 26 seconds left in this thrill-a-thon that left me sobbing like a baby. Back in Black! Back in Black!

2 – New England Patriots
Tom Brady once again commanded a Buffalo beat-down as the Patriotgates bludgeoned the Bills 40-32 in upstate New York. Rex Ryan? Same chump, different shirt. Mr. Brady passed for 466 yards & three TDs while the star spangled defensive line recorded eight sacks of Tyrod Taylor.

3 – Green Bay Packers
Pow! The Pack gets off the mat and exacts sharp revenge on Seattle for that NFC championship TKO last year. The Cheddar Shredders slice the Seahawks 27-17 behind “Action” Aaron Rodgers’ 249 pass yards/2 TDs and a run “D” that limited The Lynch to just 41 yards.

4 – New York Jets
The Mean Green Machine is back, baby! The WR tandem of Brandon Marshall & Eric Decker combined for 198 yards & 2 TDs in the 20-7 MNF Colt crushing. Gang green moves to a surprising 2-0. Andrew Luck lost two footballs on Revis Island to boot!

5 – Arizona Cardinals
Air-izona flies by the Bears in Chicago 48-23 to move into my top 5. The Chicago “D” was not half as tough as a TSA agent as the Cards racked up four TD passes (three caught by this week’s Master of Disaster, Larry “F. Scott” Fitzgerald). It’s a dry heat and the rest of the NFC west is starting to sweat!

Patrick O. Elia