Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
1 – Oakland Raiders
Key Addition: WR Amari “Super Duper” Cooper
Key Loss: Possibly the city of Oakland
QB Derek “Fast” Carr to “Super Duper” Cooper will be this generation’s Montana to Rice, baby! Add a “D” led by LB Khalil “Sack Attack” Mack and it’s time to buy some polish for the Lombardi Trophy.
2 – New England Patriots
Key Addition: QB Tom Brady’s lawyers/surveillance equipment
Key Loss: NT & overalls model Vince Wilfork
Thanks to a classic goal line stand by Tom Brady’s legal defense, the golden boy avoided a 4-game KO, much needed given the champs’ losses on defense. Bill “The Evil Wizard” Belichick will almost certainly add some mystery spells (or “misplaced” playbooks of opposing teams) to the mix to give Oakland a run for their money.
3 – Seattle Seahawks
Key Addition: TE Jimmy “Wham Bam” Graham
Key Loss: C Max Unger-taker
The back-to-back NFC champs look to three-peat and adding the best TE not named Gronk or who is imprisoned (Aaron Hernandez) in Jimmy Graham don’t hurt! The Legion of Boom still got that knockout swagger but will QB Russell Wilson maintain his edge now that he got paid like “Money” Mayweather?
4 – Green Bay Packers
Key Addition: Making nice with Brett Favre
Key Loss: WR Jordy Nelson’s ACL
Only a team with an awesome aerial ace like QB Aaron Rodgers could stand pat on offense (and lose Nelson to injury) and still look like a squad that can average 40 points a game. The chargin’ cheese curds still might have the best 1-2 WR combo in the league in “Rocket” Randall Cobb & “Dancin’” Davante Adams.
5 – Indianapolis Colts
Key Addition: WR Andre Johnson
Key Loss: RB Trent Richards. Ha, I almost typed that without laughing.
Geritol sales in Indy went up as the Colts signed AARP members Johnson RB Frank “Extreme” Gore. With QB Andrew Luck and WR T.Y. “That’s Hot” Hilton this offense will land a lot of punches, hopefully they can put up their dukes on “D.”