On July 28th, Roger Goodell upheld a four-game suspension for Tom Brady for the beginning of the 2015 NFL season. The discipline stems from allegations that Brady tampered with footballs prior to the AFC Championship Game in January, allowing him to better grip the ball in the frigid New England weather.
Despite the hard line approach to punishment taken by the NFL, Brady released a statement assuring his fans as well as his detractors, that, “Although I may not be able to play the game I love for four weeks, I assure you that my life is still way better than yours.”
Speaking from his high-backed Italian leather armchair, Brady continued.
“Nothing gives me more joy in life than suiting up in Pats gear every Sunday and doing whatever I can to bring another championship back to Boston,” he said, coiffing his hair in the shimmering reflection of the Lombardi Trophy. “But, to be perfectly honest, without football, my life is pretty darn good. I mean look at my supermodel wife…you see her? Or, all these sports cars? I don’t even remember buying them, I think they just show up from time to time.”
Brady then donned a top hat and a cane for reporters and proceeded to douse one of his several Monet paintings in gasoline and set it ablaze.
“You see, football…it sucks that I can’t play it for a few weeks, but if you were forced to take a couple weeks off of your work, you would probably go and visit some friend in Beloit, Wisconsin, watch TV, or just lie to yourself about a “Stay-cation.”
“For me, I’m probably going to have a demolition derby with all these Lamborghinis and hang around with my millionaire buddies betting on whose yacht can sink faster from a cannon ball to the bow.”
The embattled Patriots quarterback then lit a wad of cash on fire, inhaled the fumes and texted oft-injured tight end and friend Rob Gronkowski, asking him if he had any suggestions on where to fly his private jet to during his break. He ended saying, “Personally I would like to thank old Roger for the time off. Sure beats getting a concussion every week. Suck it, losers.”