For those of you out there who doubt our nation’s justice system, you can doubt no more.
New England Patriots star tight end, and noted halftime jumbotron dancer at Clipper playoff games, Rob Gronkoswki, was finally brought to justice. The man many thought to be above the law was deemed in clear violation of the one rule you just can’t break on a party bus, and that’s lowering the PSI in the kegerator, thus upping the foam count to unacceptable levels, right before the big Friday night kegger with Beta House at the University of Delaware.
The impartial disciplinary committee that was expected to hand out punishment to Gronkowski for his party-down failures included noted party dog Spuds McKenzie, the Indian guy from Van Wilder and Supreme court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
The bipartisan senate “Pork and Barrels” committee, which investigated the proceedings over the course of the last five years, was funded by the taxpayers, and it was well worth the eight figure pricetag. In the damning report, Gronkowski, aka Gronk aka the guy who is technically, kind of sort of a Harvard professor, was found guilty of numerous offenses. These were included, but not limited to:
*Failure to ensure that exotic dancers wore their regulation uniform clear plastic heels
*The stripper poles at the front of the bus are ONLY supposed to turn counter-clockwise when they light up and spray bubbles on the crowd, so as to prevent the bus driver from becoming distracted
*Failure to ensure each party bus member had his or her own red solo cup for the ice-luge reverse flippy-cup anchorman wet t-shirt relay
*Not properly checking the nitrous levels in the whipped cream
*People having sex in the party bus hot tub less than 30 minutes after finishing a meal
As of press time, no punishment had been handed out, but it was expected that Gronkowski would have to surrender the party bus keys to friend and fellow teammate Julian Edelman as well as forfeit 30% of the funny money he had just earned as payment for a guest hosting appearance at the Gold Club in Atlanta during their Tuesday night amateur hour.