The wait is almost over. In just a couple of days, Nike will be releasing the 2015 Air Jordans. For all you fans around the country who couldn’t be more excited, the Nike corporation has a special message for you:
“Get your mayhem ready.”
In years past, Nike has done everything in their power to ensure total rioting and chaos when Air Jordans were released. They’ve limited the supply so that when thousands of people wait in line, only a handful of them can actually buy their coveted Jordans. Also, they’ve denied people the right to buy shoes online, because in this day and age if there’s one thing consumers want to do, it’s be taken out of the digital shopping experience.
Well, now that the new “High-Fade Retro Dub Zero Gucci Stab The Guy In Line Next To You” Air Jordans are out, Nike wants you to know that no less than total carnage and bloodshed will suffice as they begin selling off the one shoe that, to quote an anonymous Nike representative, is “worth firing a gun off in the mall or shooting a total stranger so you can get yourself a pair.”
The Air Jordan’s release, which is timed to coincide with Nike’s new marketing campaign of “Just Riot,” is set to come out in a couple days. When pressed for comment, the Hall of Famer and noted social activist Michael Jordan was shockingly unavailable to address the violence that surrounds his sneaker release year after year.