There’s currently a crazy amount of Blackhawks gossip out there and no shortage of internet sites looking to drive clicks by running anything and everything they hear. We at The Heckler are also interested in driving as many clicks as possible, so we’re going to start publishing every possible Blackhawks rumor we’ve ever heard. Our sources are so reliable that we don’t feel the need to reveal them, even if we knew who they were.

Here goes:

  • Corey Crawford has five testicles
  • Brad Richards is a birther
  • Theo Fleury is outside your door at this very moment
  • Marcus Kruger once shot a man in Stockholm just to watch him die
  • Bryan Bickell sleeps with a teddy bear
  • Scott Darling drives 50 in the fast lane
  • Antoine Vermette used to play for the Coyotes
  • Eric Daze had a bit part in “Three Men and a Baby”
  • Teuvo Teravainen’s fake ID says “McLovin” and he doesn’t understand why that’s funny
  • Coach Q is a swinger and his stache is a fake
  • Rooftops around United Center are suing the Blackhawks
  • Blackhawks scouting for right wing help during Shoot the Puck
  • Rocky Wirtz likes to sleep in the old slutty Ice Crew costume
  • Troy Murray hates Jonathan Toews ever since the Captain passed Murray on the all-time Hawks career point list
  • Patrick Kane borrowed Andrews Shaw’s Slip-‘N-Slide and still hasn’t returned it
  • Coach Q takes ballroom dancing lessons on Sundays with Mark Giangreco
  • Everyone in the Blackhawks organization believes the dress is red and black
  • Kris Versteeg sleeps with a nightlight
  • Antti Raanta drinks three full glasses of horse urine before every start
  • Jonathan Toews has a tramp stamp that reads “The Captain”
  • Andrew Shaw is joining ISIS