The results of an independent investigation are in, and it turns out NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was not only unaware of the Ray Rice elevator tape, but he is also the greatest human being in the history of the world.
“Well, it’s certainly humbling to be regarded above the likes of Gandhi and Abraham Lincoln,” said Goodell. “But that’s why we do independent investigations. You never know how they’ll turn out. In this particular case, yay for me.”
Goodell, who had been under fire from the media, NFL players, lawmakers and fans, will now be seen for the truthful, kind, intelligent, extraordinary person he is.
“Wow, this changes everything,” said Bears fan Bill Benson. “Here I thought he was some greedy, lying dirtbag who was only trying to hang onto his job, but now I guess I’m the real jerk.”
Millions of other people agreed with Benson, citing the transparent manner in which the NFL handled the entire Rice scandal. Dozens of journalists and pundits have already taken to Twitter to tweet their apologies.