Football players at BYU found themselves on the receiving end of some extremely harsh discipline after they tussled with the Memphis Tigers following a loss in the inaugural Miami Beach Bowl. Effective immediately, all BYU players have had their soda privileges revoked.

The lockdown begins the second the team gets back to campus. No player can get anywhere near a Coke, Pepsi, Fanta, Shasta, Mr Pibb…not even Fresca. Also, lest a player cast a wayward glance towards one of the many vending machines located just a few dozen miles from campus, he too will meet with stern disciplinary action: no chocolate chip waffle cone sundaes at the interdenominational Love Thy Neighbor Joseph Smith Ice Cream Social and Ultimate Frisbee tournament this Friday night.

Losing in a bowl game, even one with colossal BCS playoff national championship magnitude implications such as the Miami Beach Bowl, is one thing, but brawling with a fellow student athlete is unacceptable. That is why BYU had no choice but to take away something that is a right at BYU, not a privilege. It saddens players to hear this, but effective immediately, they will no longer be able to “Do the Dew.”

Other disciplinary measures that were discussed included taking away each player’s replica Jimmer Freddette jersey and crazy wild plaid sweater, as well as moving the players’ normally lenient 9:00 pm Saturday night curfew all the way forward to the unthinkably early 8:45 hour. There was even the possibility of banning players from attending Awesome Taylor Swift 80’s Karaoke Bonfire Night, although that seemed a little harsh. Finally, football players who wanted to have sex after the game will have to wait another six months before they can get married.