Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Cincinnati Bengals Who dey!?! Cincy mugged the midget Manziel, flummoxing Mr. Football into only 80 yards passing/2 Eli-ceptions and sacking him 3 times in a 30-0 Brown-out! Jeremy Hill ran for 148 of the Bengals’ 244 yards and scored 2 TDs. The road to the AFC North crown runs through the Queen City, baby!!!
9 – Arizona Cardinals These boys are the Energizer bunnies of the league, baby! They lose another QB but just keep on winning, neutralizing the Rams 12-6. Watching their games are about as exciting as Predator 2 but they sure know how to rope-a-dope chumps into losses. Chandler Catanzaro crushed field goals, 4 out of 4 for the whole final score!
8 – Dallas Cowboys Dallas just up and Dez-troyed the Eagles, a real Sunday night slaughterhouse show! This week’s Master of Disaster Dez Bryant toasted Philly’s bend and break “D” for 3 TD receptions in a resounding 38-27 road show romp, putting the ‘Boys back in front in the NFC East. Here we go, Romo!!!!
7 – Indianapolis Colts It’s a stampede! Colts once again trampled the Texans behind Andrew “Captain Cave Man” Luck. The man who looks weird with a beard threw for 2 TDs in a 17-10 decision despite suffering 2 sacks by J.J. Watt (who kind of reminds me of a cross between Ivan Drago & Lyle Alzado). He’s a bad mother!
6 – Detroit Lions It was a real claw-biter in the Motor City as the Lions nipped the Norsemen 16-14, a victory not cemented until Viking kicker Blair Walsh was short on a 68-yard field goal as time expired. Minny landed some haymakers early as they took a 14-0 lead but the Blue Streak secondary started stealing Teddy Bridgewater tosses and kicked their way to victory! Ndamukong Suh collected one of four Lion QB sacks.
5 – Denver Broncos There’s hoof prints all over them Chargers! Connor Barth “Vader” struck down San Diego single-footedly with 5 field goals as Denver clinched their 4th straight AFC West title. The Broncos bested the ‘Bolts 22-10 despite Peyton Manning’s tummy trouble (probably had too much of that Papa John’s!). Demaryius Thomas got loose in the San Diego secondary for 127 yards and a TD.
4 – Seattle Seahawks The Starbucks Slurpers slapped San Fran 17-7, all but eliminating the 49-erds from the playoffs (which allowed Pete Carroll to give Jim Harbaugh a “Ha Ha, loser!” post-game prick). The Fearsome Fishmonger “D” held the brie & cheese chumps to just 245 total yards.
3 – Green Bay Packers The Bills pasted the Packers 21-13, a game in which Dave Grohl (or is it Kyle Orton, I can’t tell them apart?) out-played Elvis Aaron Rodgers simply by throwing less interceptions. I spent the game having sex with Olivia Munn, she sexted me about being lonely. Eddie Lacy led the Pack attacked that lacked with 97 rush yards/TD.
2 – New England Patriots Hey Ryan Tannehill, these New England fishermen aren’t Dolphin-friendly! Pats clinch the AFC East for the 11th time in 12 years as they reel in the Dolphins 41-13 (a game the locals are calling The Perfect Storm 2). Tom “He’s no lady” Brady led the chowder heads with 287 yards passing and 2 TDs.
1 – Oakland Raiders Cheatin’ Chiefs finally catch up to us in Arrowhead, steal a 31-13 win. I have sent the tape of the game to the league office highlighting each of the 75 K.C. holding calls missed by the three blind mice officiating the game (holds that would make a WWE wrassler proud). Derek Carr continued his rookie of the year campaign with 222 yards passing/1 TD/0 Eli-ceptions.
Program note – The December 21st edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (henceforth to be known as The Late Show with Marv Letterman) will feature stupid coaching tricks (Andy Reid clock mismanagement, Lovie Smith bad challenges, Marc Trestman carrying a clipboard & chewing gum at the same time, etc.).