With a single personnel move, the Chicago Bears quickly solved the myriad problems that have plagued the team over much of the last decade.
“They always say you have to be accountable in this league, and it’s time we hold Jay responsible for the two worst seasons the Bears defense has ever seen,” said defensive coordinator Mel Tucker. “It’s almost like he didn’t even bother to get the secondary lined up in the right spots for a single damn play this year! That’s not being a team leader, if you ask me.”
Bears GM Phil Emery agreed.
“The guy has zero intuition when it comes to evaluating college athletes,” said Emery. “Name one good player he has drafted since we’ve been working together. I dare you! Also, it was his idea to put Shea McLellin at linebacker because he was a bust at the line. Just like I predicted.”
Even-keeled head coach Marc Trestman agreed with his colleagues, though he refrained from blaming Cutler for his own deficiencies.
“Is Jay underperforming? Sure,” said Trestman. “But it wouldn’t be fair for me to say it’s his fault we’re so unprepared we attempt fake punts with only 10 men on the field. I mean, that’s the special teams coach’s responsibility. Now, he told me Jay was supposed to count the players as he was coming off the field on fourth down, but I can’t definitely say Jay is the culprit there. He could be, I guess.”
Other problems this move is sure to fix include Chris Conte’s injury-prone body, Trestman’s poor clock management, Jared Allen’s inefectiveness, Ryan Mundy’s complete lack of coverage ability, Emery’s decision to hire Trestman over Bruce Arians, Emery’s decision to hire Tucker, the franchise’s decision not to fire Aaron Kromer, injury-inducing sack celebrations, Ted Phillips still having a job, Bears receivers running the wrong routes, Brandon Marshall’s ribs and that faulty urinal in the mens restroom at Halas Hall.