In the aftermath of yet another humiliating loss, the Chicago Bears’ front office has fired the entire coaching staff and replaced them with just one individual: Bears’ mascot Staley Da Bear.
“He has a tremendous amount of charisma and football IQ,” said team president Ted Phillips. “Plus, he’s so soft and cuddly–like a thousand puppies were sewn together into a comfy blanket.”
Phillips pointed to Staley’s initiative in implementing the “Bear Down on Bullies” and “Tackle Reading” programs.
“If Staley Da Bear can stop bullies in their tracks and teach kids how to read, why couldn’t he be the head coach of the most storied NFL team in history?”
When asked what changes he would make in the final games of the season, Staley began dancing and firing t-shirts into the press corps, causing them to scatter. Staley continued to dance a comic version of the “Macarena” for the next 30 minutes, periodically kicking personal items into an open equipment bag.
“Staley clearly has the aggressiveness and energy that a head coach needs to win in today’s NFL,” said Phillips.
Some players are excited about the change.
“It’s a balance of right fit, right situation, and right organization,” said defensive lineman Jared Allen. “What I see in the future going forward is a lot of pointless dancing and goofing around, sure, but I also see a chance to win.”
Others are more skeptical.
“It’s a dude in a fur suit,” explained Matt Forte. “I mean, he’s still better than Tucker or Trestman, but you can’t win games by doing the Cha Cha Slide while punching a toy lion, can you? Can you?”