The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) announced today that the storm type previously known as a “Pineapple Express” is now being classified as a “Kromer.”
“People have been associating the term ‘Pineapple Express’ with a lot of irrelevant things over the years: fruit salad, drug smuggling, and Seth Rogen,” said NOAA spokesperson Dennis Feltgen. “But really what we’re talking about is a high-moisture event caused by the large-scale movement of hot air. So, naturally we immediately thought of Bears offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer.”
The first storm officially to be designated a “Kromer” hit the west coast earlier this week. While it was expected to be an extremely productive storm, it ultimately failed to live up to those expectations. Many homeowners overprepared in advance, while others mostly ignored the Kromer warnings.
Oakland resident Jesse Dorian, 51, was one of them.
“I’ve lived through hella Kromers. I guess I’m just not that impressed by them anymore. The hella scary things are all the Sparanos,” he said, referring to the common Bay Area term for a cataclysmic earthquake that causes dumpsters and landfills to spontaneously combust–a near daily event in Oakland.
The NOAA’s announcement comes on the heels of a speech given by California Gov. Jerry Brown in which he called upon legislators to harness the power of Aaron Kromer’s copious tear ducts to end the state’s years-long drought.