After back-to-back Thursday night losses that saw the Bears defense give up a combined 75 points, quarterback Jay Cutler has stepped forward to accept full responsibility for the defense’s shoddy efforts. In a press conference following Thursday’s 41-28 loss to the Dallas Cowboys, Cutler told reporters, “This is on me, guys. I mean, I only threw for two touchdowns and ran for a third tonight; how can an NFL team be expected to win a game when they only score 28 points?  Plus, I threw that interception when we were losing by 13 with only a few minutes left, which clearly was the deciding factor in the game. When it comes down to it, if we look at our flimsy defense, and how many points we’ve given up this year, it’s obviously my fault.”

When asked about Cutler’s statements taking blame for a defense that has surrendered 40 more points this season than the 1-11 Oakland Raiders, defensive coordinator Mel Tucker said, “Listen, football is a team sport. A lot of guys on the squad aren’t carrying their weight, and we’ve had some really costly injuries that have depleted our depth. But, if I had to point a finger at one person, yeah, it’s because of Jay.”

Cutler has also taken the blame for the current Ebola outbreak in West Africa, Christmas advertisements happening earlier and earlier each year, and for the fact that sometimes when you try to buy candy from a vending machine the treat doesn’t drop, but he has denied any responsibility for last year’s Polar Vortex.

Jeff GoodSmith