Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Cincinnati Bengals The red-headed step children of the AFC North bareley survive Bucs 14-13 in temperate Tampa Bay. This team needs to pick it up down the stretch run, especially Andy “The Careless Carrot Cannon” Dalton who threw 3 Eli-ceptions to nearly offset his 2 TD (1 rushing) performance.
9 – Detroit Lions Turkey leg smash! Bears didn’t get the Presidential pardon as Lions pummeled Chicago 34-17 in a real turkey trot Suh stomp! Matthew Stafford throws for 390 yards and connects twice with Calvin “Megatron Mashed Potato” Johnson for TDs.
8 – Dallas Cowboys It looked like the ‘Boys didn’t wait an hour before playing after their Thanksgiving dinner, get stuffed by Eagles 33-10. Tony Romo played like a plucked pilgrim (only 199 yards in the air/0 TDs/2 Eli-ceptions).
7 – Indianapolis Colts Colts clobbered creampuff cupcake Washington 49-27 in Indy. Andrew Luck (this week’s Master of Disaster) lit up Lucas Oil with 370 yards and 5 TD strikes. The heavy hitters in the horseshoe hats startin’ to look like an awakening force of football, baby!
6 – Seattle Seahawks ‘Hawks helped themselves to a Thanksgiving thrashing, microwave 49ers 19-3 in Santa Clara. “Marchin’” Marshawn Lynch marinates San Fran “D” with 104 yards rushing while Seattle’s secretary of defense Richard Sherman picked off 2 wounded turkey tosses by Colin Kaepernick.
5 – Philadelphia Eagles It was a Thanksgiving Philly Punch Party in Dallas, the boys of brotherly bash smash Cowboys 33-10. That’s some smooth gravy, baby! LeSean McCoy buttered Jerry Jones’ rolls with 159 yards on the ground with a side of touchdown.
4 – Denver Broncos Peyton piloted Broncos to 29-16 Chiefs chomp at Arrowhead. Denver, The Walking Dread of the NFL, used a balanced attack to claim their sixth straight win in the series (174 pass yards/214 rushing yards). C.J. “Cujo” Anderson rushed for 168 yards and a TD grab.
3 – New England Patriots Tom Brady was heard to say “Lambeau (bleep)!” after Vince Wilfork’s Defensive Warriors were unable to stop Green Bay in the waning minutes of the game, allowing the Pack to run out the clock in a titanic battle of title contenders on the frozen tundra. Tom the Terrific connected with Brandon LaFell for 2 TDs but took a crucial sack late in the fourth to end the Pats last promising drive.
2 – Green Bay Packers Ding, ding! Round one goes to the Packers as they TKO Tom Brady and his Massachusetts Muscle 26-21 in possible Super Bowl sneak preview. Aaron “Ace of Plays” Rodgers deals his boys the usual royal flush (368 pass yards/22 rush yards/2 pass TDs).
1 – Oakland Raiders While I don’t want the Silver & Black Sack Attack to leave Oakland I’ll accept a move back to L.A. I’ll give the players access to all the amenities of The Weathers Estate (juice bar, weight room, personal stylist, etc.). I’ll also coach all the home games and go 8-0. Here we go!
Program note – The December 7th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (henceforth to be known The Marv & Carl Power Hour. Praise Jesus, we’re going to cure Jim Kelly’s cancer with rattlesnakes!) will feature Marv reading a chapter of his newest book “Any Given Sunday. Or Monday. Or Thursday. Or even sometimes Saturday” to fat children who refuse to take part in the NFL’s Play60 program. Run piggies, run!!!!!