At first there was Brandon Marshall’s Twitter offer to fight a Detroit Lions fan for $25,000. This happened because a brave and courageous fan attacked both Marshall and his mother from the safety and comfort of his keyboard. However, what started out as a simple beef between the Bears oft-maligned wide receiver and an internet troll suddenly became something much worse, threatening all of humanity.
All of a sudden there were mysterious scoreboard issues during the Bears victory over the Vikings. This in and of itself would pose no big deal, but coupled with the Blackhawks Twitter account recently telling the President of Mexico to “Go ‘F’ his Mother,” it was clear Marshall’s Twitter account had become fully self-aware, thus threatening civilization as we know it.
Once Marshall’s Twitter account contacted Skynet, the city of Chicago was powerless against the rise of the machines. The next step for the Cyborg robotic Life-based Twitter organism was to hack into the Texas Instruments computer that Marc Trestman uses for his dynamic offensive play-calling.
Afterwards, Skynet shut down the power grid in Chicago, crippling every major venue in the city except for Wrigley Field, which for once benefited from being so archaic and outdated. Finally, Skynet convinced the Bears front office through a series of highly confidential mimeographed Word Processor documents on Virginia McCaskey’s Coleco Adam PC to guarantee the length of Jay Cutler’s contract, thus securing the fate of the Bears and all of mankind. As of press time, it was thought that unless Marshall could stay off of Twitter for a full 24 hours, there would be no hope for humanity, or at least the rest of the Bears 2014 season.