Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Cincinnati Bengals Cincy has the Saints singin’ the blues, lucky they’re in the right town. Andy “The Carrot Cannon” Dalton recovers from HORRIBLE week 10 performance, throws for thrice TDs and 220 yards in 27-10 Superdome smackdown.
9 – Kansas City Chiefs KFC (Kansas Freakin’ City!) mashes Seattle in Missouri, 24-20! The Arrowhead Assassins tie Broncos for first place in AFC West as Jamaal Charles churns out 159 rush yards and 2 TDs. Here we go, heartlanders!
8 – Detroit Lions Detroit dumped in the desert, limping Lions can’t crack cactus curtain in falling 14-6 at Arizona. Calvin-tron Mega-Johnson held to only 59 yards in a defensive struggle so fierce the Cardinal cheerleaders were white faced in terror and left unable to operate their pom-poms in the second half.
7 – Philadelphia Eagles That Ertz! Zach & crew collapsed by Green Bay 53-20. “Off the Mark” Sanchez snowed under by the Blizzard of Peppers (Julius returns one of his Eli-ceptions for a score), I wonder if any of the Detmer brothers can come out of retirement to save Kelly’s Heroes?
6 – Dallas Cowboys (Bye) I visited my buddy Tony Romo during Dallas’ bye week. He asked me why Sly Stallone doesn’t put me in those Expendables movies. I was, like, I know man. First he killed Apollo Creed, now he doesn’t put me in those movies. I thought we were tight.
5 – Denver Broncos St. Louis stink bomb! Rams ambush, assault Broncos under the Arch 22-7 while knocking half of Peyton’s receivers out of the game, pow! Manning throws for 389 and a score but also throws 2 Eli-ceptions.
4 – ACME Packers Cheeseheads curdle Chip Kelly’s chump Eagles by 33! Lambeau lambasting once again orchestrated by Mr. Amazing Aaron Rodgers (342 yards/3 TD tosses) as ACME scores 50+ points for the second straight week. That’s one hell of a one-two punch, Wile E. Coyote!
3 – New England Patriots Powerful Pats punt Colts 42-20, a real Sunday Night Slaughter! Once again Tom “Primetime” Brady thrives under the lights, hits Gronk for a TD while new sensation and this week’s Master of Disaster Jonas Gray (who?!) steamrolls Indy with 199 yards running and 4 TDs.
2 – Arizona Cardinals Boys of Bruce lick Lions in battle of first place teams, Arians’ next man up nasties squeak past Detroit by 8. Michael Floyd scores on 2 Drew Stanton (filling in for Carson “Crutches” Palmer) strikes in the first quarter, more than enough for the Honey Badger & the Birds of Prey secondary to defend.
1 – Oakland Raiders Don’t worry, we’re not going to San Antonio. No. Damn. Way. I will crunch Mark Davis if he so much as watches a Spurs game. Commitment to Excellence and Oakland, baby!
Program note – The November 23rd edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (henceforth to be known as NCIS: Pre-Game) is going to be raided by the DEA. The only drugs we got are Marv’s back pills and maybe some Flintstones vitamins, but you know, this DEA wants to crack down.