Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Cleveland Browns The new owners of Ohio blast Bengals, claim AFC North pole position with 24-3 Queen City cremation. Terrance West tramples the state rival with 94 yards and a victory-cementing touchdown tote.
9 – Indianapolis Colts (Bye) Intriguing Indy spends their bye week downtime the Hoosier Way: making sure every chore and whim of Andrew Luck is attended to. The offensive line spends half their paychecks purchasing his Whole Foods groceries.
8 – Green Bay Packers Lambeau Laugh Route!! Packers plaster Bears 55-14. I Ha Ha Clinton-Dix’ed so hard laughing during this game, I wet my pants. The good A-Rod (Aaron Rodgers) throws a sextet of scoring strikes in the first half, The Pack Attack is Back!
7 – Seattle Seahawks You take a trip to Seattle and you get two things: rain and slain! Title holders ground Giants 38-17 with 350 yards rushing (led by “Marchin’” Marshawn Lynch’s 140 yards and four scores, earning him this week’s Master of Disaster).
6 – Dallas Cowboys Dallas! Dez! DeMarco! Defense! ‘Boys regain Romo, rack up the Jags 31-17 in merry old England. Murray once again runs for 100 yards while Bryant scores on two long Tony tosses.
5 – Denver Broncos Denver wins 41-17 but Peyton “I won’t let my backup Brock Osweiler in the game” Manning joins J.J. Watt on the NFLPA fun police. He’s becoming about as fun as Dolph Lundgren in a wet blanket.
4 – Detroit Lions Dolphins killed by a Stafford infection! “Last Minute” Matt hits Theo Riddick for a ridiculous game winning TD toss with :29 seconds left, Lions win 20-16. Calvin “King of Catch” Johnson returns to the Detroit lineup with 113 yards and a big TD grab.
3 – New England Patriots (Bye) Nobody parties on a bye week like New England! Bill Belichick has his skin replaced with football leather while Tom Brady buys some handsome new autumnal sweaters. Then they both prop their eyes open Clockwork Orange-style and watch game film.
2 – Arizona Cardinals “Dirty Dancin’” Drew Stanton fills in once again for the injured Carson Palmer in 31-14 Ram reversal comeback, throwing go ahead score to John Brown in the 4th quarter. Then Patrick Peterson & the Desert “D” kick some sand in St. Louis’ face with two late return scores. Pow!
1 – Oakland Raiders Raiders of the lost Art (Shell) lead Denver 10-7 in the second quarter (the game ended before The Heckler went to press). I assume the Raider Rushing tandem of McFadden & MJD molest, murder & mutilate the Orange Slush.
Program note – The Nov. 16 edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will be the long awaited Simpsons crossover show. We’ll be joined by Homer, Bart, Lenny, Karl and Marv’s old high school teammate C. Montgomery Burns. This week’s edition of “Marv’s Moments” will be brought to you by a generous donation from the Rand Corporation.