Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Detroit Lions Watching the Lions kick field goals, I haven’t laughed so hard since I was on the “Arrested Development” set. However, this week’s “Master of Disaster” (the Detroit “D”) is no laughing matter. Ndamukong Suh records 2 of the unit’s 8 sacks and the Motor City Maulers also pick off 3 Vikings passes in 17-3 spanking.
9 – Cincinnati Bengals Queen City cats kiss their sister, tie Carolina 37-37. But hey, I’ve seen the Bengals’ sister, she’s hot so maybe it’s not too bad. Giovani Bernard totes the ole pigskin 18 times for 137 yards and a score.
8 – Seattle Seahawks Seattle suplexed by Dallas, champs not looking very champ-ly lately. Cowboys outgain, out-punch and outhouse Seahawks 30-23 with Russell Wilson only passing for 126 yards and an INT.
7 – Denver Broncos The Thomas Tandem nukes New York! Demaryius (124 yards/TD) and Julius (2 TDs) lead the Orange Crush to a 31-17 win in Gotham (Fox Mondays!). Maybe Geno “Giveaway” Smith should take Derek Jeter’s lead & retire.
6 – Philadelphia Eagles Eagles Egg Eli & Company! Philly’s finest goose egg Giants 27-0 in their sharp black threads, LB Connor Barwin recorded 3 of the team’s 6 sacks of little man Manning while “Shady” McCoy ran for 149 yards.
5 – Arizona Cardinals The aces of the arid area of Arizona whip Washington 30-20! QB Carson Palmer comes back from a dead nerve to throw 2 TD passes while his mates on “D” pick off 3 ‘Skins passes in the fourth to complete the KO.
4 – New England Patriots Bills players carry “D” coordinator Jim Schwartz off the field for a second straight week, but this time they carry him to a dumpster after Tom Brady (361 yards/4 TDs) scorches the Buffalo secondary in a 37-22 Pats pounding. Every Buffalo DB is treated for second degree burns after the game.
3 – Dallas Cowboys Dallas dooms the legion of boom! Classic Cowboys corral Seattle 30-23 behind “Destroyer” DeMarco Murray’s sixth straight 100 yard game (and a score). I just got a text from Jimmy Johnson, it reads: How ‘bout them Cowboys! Then there’s a beating heart emoji, which I’m going to ignore.
2 – San Diego Chargers Bolts bop (AFC West opponent) 31-28 in a fine football contest between two evenly matched teams. Phillip Rivers hits his new best bud Eddie “Rock n” Royal on one of his 3 TD strikes.
1 – Oakland Raiders My boys nipped by a field goal but hey, you can’t win ‘em all. At least we got the Chargers bus pelted with eggs. Don’t mess with Raider Nation, baby! Derek Carr showed some real pride & poise with 4 touchdown tosses.

Program note – The October 18th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will come to you live from Radio City Music Hall. It’s never too early for awards segments so we’re doing our slightly early mid-season “Weathers’ Warriors/Levy’s Legends” presentation. Fluff? You bet! We also try to help whomever is the Detroit kicker this week with the help of Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, astrologist Madame Lickova & Tony Robbins. We aren’t holding out hope.

Patrick O. Elia