Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – NFC North Team One of these three teams will emerge, all with Powerhouse 1-2 punches and powerless defenses. My heavy bag of clarity just can’t see who right now:
Lions – Matthew Stafford/Megatron, “D” consists of Ndamukong Suh & stucco.
Bears – Jay Cutler/Brandon Marshall, last line of defense is still Christine Conte.
Packers – Aaron Rodgers/Jordy Nelson, B. J. Raji is out for the season.
9 – Atlanta Falcons Any team on HBO’s “Hard Knocks” makes the list, even if they are the Falcons. Defensive line coach Bryan Cox is the show’s MWP (Most Weathers Person).
8 – New Orleans Saints The Crescent City Crushers are always seemingly on the opposite ends of the karma spectrum (Negative: Bountygate/ Positive: Katrina). But Napoleon Brees & Jimmy Graham will keep the Bourbon Street party going this year.
7 – Indianapolis Colts This team defies just about every measurable algorithm in the Weathers Power Index (old & barely above average receivers/line, Trent Richardson at RB, tissue paper “D”) yet somehow Andrew Luck keeps carrying them into the playoffs. I’ll just call him the Hoosier Italian Stallion, no other way to explain the Luck magic show.
6 – San Francisco 49ers Coach Crazy & Co. slipping a bit as defense can’t stay out of legal trouble & Frank Gore looking more like Al Gore at this point. But, as long as Colin “KO” Kaepernick is still on the team, SF is top 10.
5 – Philadelphia Eagles Here we go! Year two of the Chip Kelly experiment, Flying Philly Nick Foles looks to come close to his 27 TD/2 INT performance while “Shady” McCoy runs like a bowling ball made of razor wire & TNT. Boom goes the dynamite!!!!!!!
4 – New England Patriots Bill Belichick took special spying classes at the NSA and learned some new evil tricks reading the “Game of Thrones” books, watch out! Also, Dance Party Gronkowski is back and Ugz model/QB Tom Brady can’t be happier.
3 – Denver Broncos Despite last year’s Super Bowl, hopes in Denver are higher than Peyton Manning’s forehead. Von Miller should be back in Master of Disaster form.
2 – Seattle Seahawks The defending champs, the Legion of Boom, the over-caffeinated 12th man (which, according to my research, is actually 49.5% female), “Beast Mode,” etc. etc.
One more year before they’re put on NFL probation and Pete Carroll bolts for the CFL.
1 – Oakland Raiders With Derek Carr poised to have a Marino-esque rookie season and a bombastic backfield of MJD & Darren McFadden, the Silver & Black will attack, attack, attack! As Mr. Wesley Snipes says: Always bet on black!

Patrick O. Elia