Optimism is running high in the city that never sleeps after the legendary Phil Jackson agreed to become the new President of Basketball Operations for the New York Knicks. The optimism has permeated Jackson as well, because he knows he can use one of his former superstar players as an anti-blueprint for how to not run a basketball team.

“Michael Jordan is unquestionably the greatest basketball player ever, and I taught him a lot to help him grow into a champion,” Jackson shared. “But don’t you dare think for one minute I had any influence on the way that guy ruins, I mean, runs a basketball team. His track record with the Wizards and Bobcats is awful and I’m planning to do the exact opposite here in New York.”

Jackson hopes to turn around a franchise that has become a running joke in the past decade.

“I played for this team when they still had some pride and championship moxie. Then MJ went and ripped their hearts out every single year. Well it’s time to turn the tables on him. These Knicks are going to stick it to the Bobcats, or Hornets, or whatever the hell they’re going to be called. I definitely won’t be drafting busts like Kwame Brown, who I was unfortunately forced to coach for a while. That stuff isn’t going to happen around here.”

Jackson has already begun living up to his reputation as a guy who gives appropriately motivational books to people on his team. “The Zen Master” has distributed the classic Terrell Owens children’s book Little T Learns to Share to ball-hogging Carmelo Anthony, Amnesty After Atrocity? to the overpaid Amare’ Stoudamire, and Resume’s For Dummies for lame-duck coach Mike Goodson. It may take time to turn around the disaster of a franchise, but Jackson is already putting his golden fingerprints all over it.

Trailer Park Charlie